She came up to me after sex ed class with a worried expression on her face. She was tall, well built and her chest as flat as a pancake! She felt worried that she would not develop breasts / shape. We went over the details about breasts – “different women develop at different times, some earlier than others”. Her face clouded over with disappointment.
The real issue was that she felt so different and was often teased about her lack of shape. Her nipples were developing (budding), they were sensitive and showed through her T-shirts, especially in cold weather. She was teased by her peers (including boys), and this made her even less confident with her changing body.
I suggested that she talk with her mom about buying a slightly ‘padded’ bra. These are designed especially for girls like her! They could help her feel more confident, protect her nipples from ‘exposure’ and ridicule and give her a little shape until she developed her own. When she returned the next day, her downcast eyes said it all! Her mom had flatly refused to consider this option. She must NOT ‘grow up before her time’! This is ‘peer pressure’ – “you just want one because the other girls have them”!
I was deeply saddened. This mother, in trying to prevent ‘growing up too fast’ was, in fact, trying to keep her ‘little girl’ from growing into confident womanhood. This is a parent who is insensitive to the feelings and experiences of her child. Shopping together for her first bra could have been a positive ‘growth point’ in their relationship. An opportunity missed….
Parents are rightly concerned about the negative impact of media on body image and want their children to be able to ‘accept themselves’ as they are. Unfortunately, there has been an over-reaction here on the part of this mother. Her rigid response to her daughter’s concerns also sends the message, “Mom does not take my feelings, experiences seriously”. Future communication between this parent and child may now be compromised.
Another day at school, more ridicule…..what will this do for her self-esteem and body image? Only time will tell, but a simple outing to shop for a bra could have made all the difference in the world!
Parents – save your authoritative voice for the big issues, and don’t sweat the small stuff!
